My apologies to all other primary caregivers. I can speak to you but I can not speak from your perspective. I welcome anything you have to offer, send it to me and I will gladly post it. Everyone is welcome to read this but I m writing with Moms in mind.
Mom to Moms, I want to tell you that if you are here, you are doing something to improve your situation. This type of website is not what people usually find when all is well. If you re being proactive, I applaud you. If not, I applaud you. Either way, it is highly likely that you are trying to figure out what to do, where to get information, how you are going to do this and what you did or didn’t do to cause the diagnosis, delay, disability.
All of those words can be disappointing, disheartening, discouraging but they are not. Those are all words for different. The truth is we are all different. Even identical twins have different personalities, abilities, opinions etc. As hard as humans try to be the same, it will never happen.
As far as disabilities are concerned. A very wise woman told me that at some point in life, everyone will have a disability, temporary or permanent, disabilities are a natural part of life. Temporary disabilities are things like injuries and illnesses that don’t last. Permanent disabilities do not change and many occur late in life as a part of the aging process. At some point, you will be on the outside of the bell curve.
Why try so hard to be the same? Maybe it is a way to cope with the anxiety that comes from the pressure and the impossible standards set for Moms. This is an opinion only. It is not a theory. It has not been tested. There is no evidence. to support it. My opinion is a summary and subsequent conclusion of random thoughts and personal experiences.
A long time go, before vodka Icees and boxes of wine but after someone figured out that washing their hands before assisting with childbirth would improve maternal mortality, they say that women used to sing nursery rhymes to cope with anxiety. What else was there when most women died in childbirth and infant mortality wasn’t all that great.
This is what we did to ease our worries. We sang songs about babies falling out of cradles, bubonic plague, kids falling down hills, talking spiders and other topics that proper women didn’t discuss. We somehow managed to get the message to each other. That was the Mom method.
Throughout history, there were all sorts of “cures” for Moms: heroin, cocaine, opium, that cough syrup, hysterectomies, hormones, a long line of amphetamines, valium, SSRIs (anti-depressants) anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, work-out videos, magazines, self-help, psychoanalysis, institutionalization, parenting books, classes, workshops, seminars and support groups. All may have been helpful to some or many Moms at different time.
If you asked Moms what they thought would help, I think they would say a nap, a hot shower (uninterrupted ) (and alone) and a little validation. Also – stop making us the problem. Please. We are not the problem. We don’t need a cure. Maybe, the world should try to adapt the standards to reality instead of expecting us to meet impossible standards? Maybe it should be mutual? Example – how about scrapping the impossible standard and we will not be so stressed out trying to meet it? See? Mutual.
This is how I describe motherhood – worry as much as possible, doubt every decision you make and no matter what you decide, someone is going to tell you that you are doing it wrong. Classic example – working outside of the home. If you decide to work outside of the home, you are selfish, neglecting your kids. If you decide to stay home, you are lazy.
Nobody is allowed to blame feminism for this. Unless, of course you wan to, your choice. Lots of people do. There are some feminist theories that I do not agree with but the core belief that is the foundation of feminism as I understand it, I am all in.
Feminism didn’t say women have to work or women have to stay home. Feminism says women have a choice. That’s all. If you have traditional values and want to be a stay at home mom, you can choose to do that. If you want to work outside of the home, you can choose that too. I am not saying other things don’t affect the choices we make but not too long ago, women didn’t have a choice, either way.
Choices should not be confused with options. Options vary but the choice is yours, woman.
I wouldn’t trade motherhood for anything. Even with everything I just described. Once I stopped focusing on meeting impossible standards, it became easier to parent my children. I humbly and whole heartedly accept that I will not ever be a perfect parent, my kids are already perfect and as long as I keep trying to improve my parenting, I am good.
Moms- I can not guarantee a hot shower or a nap. I can give you all some validation. Motherhood can be incredibly difficult, most of the time. It isn’t difficult because you’re doing it wrong – unless you are abusive or just don’t care about your kids or are in a cult, which would be abusive….you get my point, it is because it can incredibly difficult. You are allowed to make mistakes. That doesn’t make you a bad Mom. It makes you a standard human.